MOVED

Bye

2007-05-23T10:26:00.001+04:00

This is my last post. I feel like I've reached the zenith with this blog. So, I'm gonna start a new one now. Ta, everyone.

More?

Tsk, tsk.

2007-04-25T21:26:00.000+04:00

Break ups and cool-off.

Why do they happen?

Possible explanations:
1. The act of 'falling out of love'.
2. Finding someone else better.
4. Things not working out anymore due to irreconcilable difference.
3. Or possibly, because the relationship has reached its zenith and each just wants to.. grow.

Who knows, right?

So, I guess you could say, I wanna have a cool-off with my blog. Yup, the sorrow.

Wala ako sa mood mag-blog, can't think of anything worth writing of. I'm thinking of starting a new blog again. Besides, our finals are approaching, after that I'm off to Philippines till school starts again. I might spontaneously come and post something from time to time but I doubt that'll happen.

When and if I'll be back I do not know. All I know is.. well, all I know is, I'm gonna be gone for awhile since me and my blog are having a cool-off. Tsk, tsk.

Warning: This Entry Might Not Make Sense, I'm Too Happy

2007-04-16T16:34:00.000+04:00

Oh yay, after a billion and zillion I'm alive again. =)

Can you believe how time flies so fast? One day you just got out of school thinking of the free days ahead and the next you're blogging about how life sucks again due to the fresh pile of homework and submissions for school. Ang saya noh?

It's only the second day since Spring Break finished and my workload are full. Thank goodness I still have weekends and Internet to look forward. Ahh, my refuge, my sweet. Is this the right moment to say something like, "The silver lining in the cloud.."? I remember reading it somewhere, I think it must've meant something like that.

They say that with great happiness, there's suffering after that. Like parang meron kapalit lahat ng kasiyahan. Is that true? Somehow, this seems to be happening to me a lot nowadays.

It's like the classic soap opera, with its tragedies and extras. One moment everything's so happy and blissful and the next you'll see tears and hairs being pulled. Seriously. I noticed it a lot that after a short period of time being happy, you get hit by this ugly fugly twist of events or an equally skull-opening dilemma.

You could say, I'm afraid now. I'm experiencing happiness again at its zenith. But I know somehow it gonna get ruin again. Wonder how bad it's exchange is gonna be? Er, yeah I'm paranoid that way.

It's like this; have you ever felt so happy you wondered if it was just a dream? Too happy you think you're chest will burst? Too happy you think you're jaw hurts from for smiling for no reason? Too happy you cry thinking what would happen if it ends?

Ack. That sounded sickingly cliche and cheesy. I can't believe I just wrote that. Out loud. For the whole wide world to read. And I can't even deny them, they're all true. See, what I mean about being too happy? I can't even contain it.

So, why you may ask am I suddenly bursting with joy unknown to my usually-depressed-self?

Well, I guess you could say.. someone is making me happy. ^________________^

Failed Vegeterian: Exposed

2007-04-04T10:56:00.000+04:00

Hey, classes are out at the moment, what's a girl to do when boredom strikes?

For some reason I had an urge to forbid my taste buds from ever tasting meat again and satisfy my stomach cravings with one of my most hated food group - vegetables. You should see my mom's reaction when I made this declaration, the look on her face? Ah, classic.

I was pretty motivated too. I got all these support from my family and friends as well. Sure, they thought I was just gonna give up at the end, but they tried very hard not to go, "Oooh, Pam, it's so delicious!". Oh, and supposedly there are tons of reasons why one should be a vegetarian (which I read in an article my moronic friend sent to me as a joke).

Deep breath.

It's healthy; vegetarians have a lesser chance from all those wacko illness. Humane as well, it really got me thinking that we systematically inflict cruelty on other species by simply eating them. Also, it's economical, meat is expensive. Most crops are grown for animals to be eaten, not humans. Meanwhile, a child dies in starvation somewhere.

And besides vegetarian eating is not about just boring leafy sticky things. You can still get protein, iron and calcium, knowing the right food. There's pasta, tofu and tempeh. Tofu is bean curd made from soya beans. Tempeh is a sort of nut-flavored cheese made from fermented soy beans. They're not just substitutes from meat, but rich in nutritions as well and a great source of protein. Hm, I think.

Bow.

But just last night, dinner was ready. Even though I eat in less quantity, I'm a person who gets hungry every few hours. So, you can imagine my horror when on the table I saw this plate with its essence and flavoring practically sizzling above its new newly-fresh-out-of-the-kitchen body: beef steak. Urgh, why, why? I was doing so well!

Bwa. So much for vegetarianism. I couldn't resist it. I hadn't tasted meat for weeks. Pfft, so, sue me, I absolutely salute and admire those people but vegetarianism is just not for me.

Emo-shitnal

2007-03-12T15:15:00.000+04:00

Boo, that was crappy. Why do I keep typing and typing about some crap no one cares about (bear with me, I'm practically bawling my head off here) when I'm gonna end up frustrated at my choice of words since they sound so happy and.. plastic?

Pfft. I don't know what's wrong with me. My life's in shambles right now. You know, to the point people judge without knowing your side of the story and spat out things such as, "You're so cheap." or "I so hate you right now." right in your face. And the people you've always thought to be there hates you and you're left with no one but few, true friends.

Cliche as it may sound, can you really restrain a heart's emotions? Is it really my fault the guy fell out of love with her and fell for me? Does it really kill to swallow your pride and forgive? What good will it do, by getting angry when things happened already?

Moreover, look at yourself first before judging someone you have never really known before. Is it so hard to even fathom the fact that maybe, just maybe if you put yourself in the place of the person you're so insisted upon thrashing upon you'd hate how things turned out too right? Must I sacrifice my happiness for the sake of others'? Pfft.

Manhirap magpangap at maggkunhari na hindi ako na epektohan. Hindi naman kasi ako manhid, ganun ba tingin nila? Hindi ko din yun ginusto, lumalayo na nga ako eh, ano pa ba? Tangina.

Hate the sin, not the sinner.
But hey, guess that's unheard nowadays right?

P.S.
Erm, yeah sorry for the emotional outburst. I don't like posting personal entries, but hey, what to do? I couldn't think of any other topic for the past few days without letting this out. But yeah, I'm okay now. Really. =)

When You Don't Have Anything Else To Blog About..

2007-02-26T16:28:00.000+04:00

Whether from mental block or sheer laziness, I really don't know what to blog about right now. Good thing, I have something to talk about now. I've been tagged by Patty.

RULES:
“Each player of this game starts off with ten weird things or habits or little known facts about yourself. People who get tagged must write in a blog of their own ten weird things or habits or little known facts as well as state this rule clearly. At the end you must choose six people to be tagged and list their names. No tagbacks!”

10 weird habits/secrets…

1. At times, I don't look people in the eye when I talk to them. I don't know, maybe I'm seriously shy.

2. I read the dictionary. Boo, I think I just reined the nerd factor. Oh well,
what to do, when boredom strikes, weirdness reigns.

3. I'm addicted to post-it notes and bookmarks. It somehow makes my life easier to have things-to-do lists and know the last pages discussed in class.

4. Starting and trying out new things is like a hobby for me. It's only the finishing part I usually get stuck at. Take my drum lessons, I tried that during the summer, and now well, you know.

5. I have the tendency to fall for the wrong guy. Either they're too old for me, or they're taken. Boo, what to do.

6. When I'm nervous, I laugh. Really. When I have nothing to say, I just smile and laugh. Oh yes, I am laughing lunatic.

7. I procrastinate a lot. I mean, a lot. That's why I usually cram and struggle to finish things at the last minute.

8. My emotional stability is unstable. Haha. Let's just say, the way I would cry, you'd think the world was ending tomorrow.

9. When I drink hot chocolate, it has to have small pieces of marshmallows on top. Oh, and I dip bread into Coke or Pepsi.

10. I'm not really good at these kind of things. Like, describing myself or whatever I can go on and on about anything but myself. Haha.

So, yeah that's it. Where you expecting some sort of dark, deep secret? It took me days to think but I realized I'm too boring for that. Haha. Anyways, I'm tagging Rabia, Keekee, Aisha, Floo, Len and Tina.

And It Someone's Birthday

2007-02-21T07:57:00.000+04:00

I realized my appearance have not changed that much. I'm still pretty much short, have the same chinky eyes, same milky-white complexion. I guess all the changes have to happen inside.

Earlier during the day, my classmates took the opportunity to sing to me since I'm not gonna be at school today. An embarrassing, blushing-worthy moment but nevertheless thoughtful.

I finally told my mom what she's been pestering me about. It satisfied her and I'm glad. I couldn't take much more of noise pollution.

The cellphone under my 4-year-old pillow vibrated more pleasantly than usual. I appreciated them all. The calls, the text messages and even the missed calls. They were touching, funny and I feel really lucky to have such friends.

One sent me a message even before the clock would strike 12 just so that she'll be the first to greet, one sang to me over the phone with matching beats and waited with me for 12 o'clock, and someone even texted me from Philippines. Another stayed up late till 3 am just so we can talk and another woke up as early as possible and woke me up to greet me.

My annoying little brother and sister poke me carefully this morning, my tita tickled my feet, my dad came to my bed and talked to me even though my brain wasn't fully functioning yet since I haven't had my morning coffee and my mom left me a greeting card full of encouragement and love with a spanking Dhs.100.

They all said the same thing. Short, simple words. But today, "Happy 16th Birthday Pam" made an impact on myself.

P.S.
I think I got measles. Boo.

The Big Sigh

2007-02-18T11:52:00.000+04:00

Ever wished you could turn back time just so to correct your mistakes or to cherish the good stuff? Yeah, I wished I could do both.

It's been a busy week. Correction, weeks. No, busy hell weeks.

With our dance thing, Badminton practices for Sports Day, projects, someone I'm trying to avoid, prefect duties, Class Board (of which I was in charge of the design), my own mother pestering me on what my plans are for my freaking 16th birthday, my stupidity to choose to go out with friends during a hell week, I was in short, dead.

Wait till you hear the results.

All hell broke loose that day for our dance thing. The only highlight is that our first performance is flawless. Many thanks to Ate Dk for the hair and Maha for the make-up. Other than that? Pfft.

First off, the food sucked. It was inedible. So we went to the nearest mall to eat decent Mcdo's. But then our friend called us that the plans was changed and apparently right at that very moment we were talking to her, just one more dance and it was our turn. Walking really, really fast right after eating is inadvisable but we did just that anyway.

Then, some outsiders thought it would be fun to mock and throw money to the dancers before us. After a few fistfights, everything else was canceled. And things went out of hand. Emotions as well. People pointed fingers. I got carried away and snapped at someone even though he was just trying to help and calm me down.

As for the badminton practices, I don't think I'm even participating in that anymore. Our House Captain put me in even though I missed the tryouts but I think she lost her patience after I also missed the practices and my prefect duties.

And that someone I'm trying to avoid? Well, I'm proud to say I finally didn't. Avoid him, I mean. But you know what sucks? You can't protect someone from the truth, moreover, yourself. Sometimes you just gotta hurt the ones you love for them to know th truth. For his own good. And especially for your own sake.

And my projects? I finished them. Last night, actually. Good thing my mom pitied me enough to let me stay at home and catch on my other schoolwork and study for Social Studies tomorrow.

In regard to our Class Board, I can't say we're the best (the class next to us was my favorite) but we definitely worked as a team. Biased as it might seem, I think we did a great job.

As for going out with during a hell week, I think I needed that. Even though I didn't have to, I think I just needed to be with people who can make me forget about this hell week. And it was surely worth it.

The only thing left unsettled is my mom pestering me on my plans for my birthday. She kept saying things like, "I need to know whether or not you're going to invite friends over so I can know how much I should cook." Whether she was plain serious or attempting to joke, I do not know.

Hearts, hearts and more hearts

2007-02-14T15:09:00.000+04:00

Erm, yeah, forgive the vainness, that was my way of 'expressing love'.

I tried to write about the history of Valentine's Day but I found the numerous myths and legends confusing and troublesome. Why put myself to that trouble? And I won't even try to write how my V-day was(is?).

Also, my attempts to write how sweet, affectionate, heavenly, infatuating, lovey-dovey, passionate, enchanting, excitable, cherished, ravishing, alluring, irresistible, and enticing (don't you just love the thesaurus?) it feels to spend a thoughtful gift or do something special with that special someone are pathetic.

I learned that Valentine's Day is just an overly rated commercialized holiday benefited by greeting card companies and teddy-bear makers. Oh, and couples too of course. I see no purpose in being given roses (or spending money on it) that will just eventually wilt away or being bought stuffed toys that are quite useless (and creepy, don't ask I just don't like them teddy's) and would only gather dust that could possibly diseased you.

Why a special holiday is needed to express your love when you could do that on any normal day is beyond me. But since this is the day to "express love", I'm refraining from being such a killjoy and whine trash thoughts further.

Truth be told, V-day wouldn't feel like V-day without the what-am-I-going-to-get-for-my-honey jitters, the sweet gestures and the whole extravaganza.

So, go out there, have fun, rack your brain to think of what to buy for that special someone and say 'I Love You' to the person you've been going ga-ga for the past centuries.

P.S.
Happy Valentine's Day everyone!

Blogging About Not Blogging

2007-02-09T20:00:00.000+04:00

Why?

Physics, Computer and Biology pending [in my world this means: not yet even started] projects plus consistent dance practices added to my mounting pile of homeworks-only-done-during-weekends are providing me with crap doses of headaches, hair-pulling frenzies, momentary brain freeze and fleeting vexations.

I need to clean/arrange my closet. Every morning, I see this pile of jumble inside the poor over-loaded thing begging for neatness. It’s coincidently lucky we wear a maid-like dress to school so unless they force me to go naked, no one would notice that I just iron the sleeves of my equally revolting polo shirt. I’m going to give in to my closet’s plea and finally arrange it in a way that would make any momma proud. Tomorrow.

My brain cells are draining out. I just read my past two entries and I realized how lame assed they sound, I could picture the people reading it practically hurling. I have to admit they were lacking my usual ‘spirit’ at blogging. My mind usually comes up with random things to discuss at the wrong time so I hope, no, I intend to come back with posts that would satisfy my weird expectations for this blog.

A personal undefined reason. Two personal undefined reasons, in fact. One, my emotional capacity cannot handle about something that someone told me. The other one, well, the clouds look nice don’t they? Pfft, fdshjfi fadfdfadf[sorry, couldn't think of a rational way to curse].

With those in mind, my fellow bloggers and non-existent readers, I intend to be gone for a while. When I will be back, I do not know.

Of Dances and Latino Freaks

2007-02-07T20:27:00.000+04:00

So, I still can't remember the steps for our dance on Razzmazz Day -this is another attempt of our school to somehow make it bearable for us- or whatever it's called but for me, I call it the Carnival(erm, yeah don't ask). Basically, it's a day filled with "entertainment, sports and fun."

I find that break dancing is hot, salsa truly sensual, air ballet as something I would love to excel ever since watching Lara Croft in Tomb Raider gliding away to glory (only finding out that to air ballet you actually have to know ballet pretty much crushed my erm, dreams). I like dancing. Only, memorizing the steps? Er, yeah. It's like this: I know the steps, how to do them and the rest. Only I can't apply them. Gah. Does that make sense?

A 'Latino' dance group had been bugging us lately. I know I shouldn't get overboard, but they're really starting to tick us off. We were chosen to be the first group to open the "show" and I guess they didn't much agree with that.

They claim our steps were too easy and are just being repeated all over again when they're own steps can be efficiently mimicked by my 9-nine-year-old sister. Come on. And that's not it. Every morning, before class we go to an empty classroom just so that we can practice. But guess who we saw this morning, sitting there and not even doing anything other than just staring off into a daze.

Our dance rehearsal this afternoon was tiring, to say the least. In every corner of the auditorium, groups are rehearsing steps, trying to hear their song among the mass of other dancers and counting "1.. 2.. 3.." together as to avoid confusion. There was a lot of pressure since only two after-school staybacks were given even though the big day's on the 17th.

During rehearsal, I felt so proud when everyone cheered and clapped even though the dance was just starting and some of our steps are not yet finalized or memorized. Haha. Yeah, my level of happiness is rather low. Only our blissfulness burst out when the sound system started to act crappy again.

I'm off. We're discussing costume. Any ideas on what should go with camouflage pants are welcome.

P.S.
Wish me luck on memorizing the steps.

I Don't Like Your Brother Anymore

2007-02-04T21:51:00.000+04:00

"Wow, you're sitting next to me again.
May gusto ka saken noh?"

Ang kapal ng mokong na yun.

Me? Like him? As if. He's the walking-and-talking annoying Kuya I never had.

It's not fault I always end with him, next to him, behind him. Besides, why would I even want to be with him when I practically go ga-ga over his brother.

Then he goes, "You look pretty today Pam. Really you do. I don't know what it is, but you do. complete with hard-to-understand expression mixed with sincerity. Gah. Nang-bola pa. Pero naniwala naman ang yours truly. Tsk, tsk.

Then he stares continuously, having an inner battle meters away from me, sending telepathic vibes such as "I'm looking at you Pam.". Naman eh. Why, is it because I got some smudge on my face, is my fringe hanging weirdly again or do I just really have huge dung on my nose? Pfft.

But you know what?

I actually want to say 'Thanks' to 'Kuya'. Not that he reads my blog or let alone knows I have one, but I just want to. So, thanks. Thanks for the corny jokes and backhanded compliments that are as old as your favorite glasses, which nevertheless amuse me. Thanks for putting up with my (as you call it) 'Diva-ness'. Thanks for being there, to annoy and to listen to, when there was no one else.

And if he'll ask me again? Yeah, okay. Fine. It's not his brother Peter that I like, it's him. May gusto pala ako sakanya.

And now I take this opportunity to use his overrated expression that makes the girls in YFC giggle like hyenas and use it to my expense: Ohmyfreakinguitar.

In Memory Of My Memory

2007-02-03T17:08:00.000+04:00

It required tremendous effort to not pass/sit next to a person without getting a comment such as, 'Hey, Miyuki!' or 'Konichiwa!' or something similar like that this morning at our YFC meeting. I don’t even know who Miyuki or whatever her name is, but apparently my anime-ish(as JB calls it using his 'dictionary') hairdo and fringe caused me to have a distinct resemblance of the girl in The Grudge 2. Er, okay, I didn't know I looked that scary.

Moving on.

Later during the meeting, Kuya Rap told us to close our eyes while singing Hillsong's Heart Of Worship. He told us to imagine God in front of us, worshiping and singing this song. I did just that and as I started to sing the lyrics I closed my eyes and longed for His presence. But all I see was darkness. Just plain darkness. I mean, what do you expect to see when your eyes are closed right?

'You search much deeper within
through the way things appear..'

I stopped singing along and pondered on the meaning of each word that just escaped my lips. This time, I could see myself kneeling down in the darkness, although I could clearly see a bright light. I thought maybe that's where He was so I prepared myself to go nearer but I felt too scared and too worthless.

Our reverie ended and we were asked to 'share'. People talked about how they saw Him in the clouds, surrounded by a bright light, standing (or floating, as in in Jo's case) before Him. Some were kneeling too, in a midst of darkness, but they saw Him nonetheless. Others, like myself, saw nothing except few non-descriptive.. things.

Kuya Rap told us to close our eyes once again and position in the way we envisioned ourselves while our eyes were closed. But this time, we were told to visualized ourselves surrounded by the other people in the room, worshiping and singing to Him.

So I did.

But I just saw the same thing. Darkness, the small bright light. I wanted to reach out. But I felt too worthless and scared. I was.. gah. I don’t know how to explain it.

It infuriated me because I wanted to feel His presence and I was too much of a coward. And I was too scared to reach out because I might not be able to. And maybe I wasn’t really deserving. And maybe I wasn’t just ‘opening’ up. And I was wondering why I couldn’t see anything. I started to feel my knees shaking, and I had trouble steadying myself and I sobbed uncontrollably.

Maybe it’s still not my time yet. Let’s face it; I’m not exactly religious. I just have faith. I swear, I lie, I cheat and I do things that would probably break my parents’ hearts. I'm more of a God-fearing sinner. And I definitely don’t say 10 Hail Mary’s each day religiously since I don’t believe in that. I’m practically a hypocrite.

Who am I to be in His presence?

Love Shit

2007-01-31T16:51:00.000+04:00

I'm curious.

This emotion that has captured oh-so-many hearts brought inexplicable joy and dooming misery to its user. I don't get it. I'm ashamed at the number of times I've tried, and failed. It ticks me off.

Once upon a time I told myself to lock my heart and throw its keys. To build emotional barriers to prevent myself from feeling the pain I can see people around me were feeling. Which is just even better because, me? Love? Yeah, I want to think I don't make bad choices in that issue. But I do.

So I finally succeed in accepting the fact that love will just have to wait. But then a stupid person walks right in and squashes that belief, until you go, "Damn, I'm in love."

And suddenly you understand why that dude build the Taj Mahal for his wife, why Juliet stuck a dagger to her heart, why the Trojan war started because of a run-away queen.

How a thing called love could subject countless poems, books and songs. How it can sway battles, and change minds, to alter history. How a thing called love could cause people to be contradictory and thickheaded and was so often the demise of great lovers and powerful men. How a thing so trivial as love, so insignificant as a look or a touch or a hug, rule thousands.

Basically, you get it. What love is. At least you think so until life's poker game unfairness snaps you back to reality to remind you that life is not perfect. And that all good things must come to an end.

So there, that ticks me off.

But you know what really ticks me off?
The fact that after life's harshness and love's complications, it's just the beginning. And there's more.

Bite That Apple

2007-01-27T03:34:00.000+04:00

The Advertising industry are evil manipulators.

First you see it in a magazine ad surrounded by enhanced texts with the item- all shiny. It's enhanced by colors that are either pop art or the corporate opposite. You nod at its beauty. "Aaah,", you say. What's even more eye candy is that it seduces you to the words such as SALE, and for some reason you flip the page with the item immediately swimming in your subconscious, thus an indication that the desire to buy is planted.

Fast forward:

You turn on your T.V. Having no subscription to cable, you get to view some three minute advertisements every seven or so minutes of the program you patronize to watch. The visuals you saw earlier on the paper is there again. Blood rushes through your system signaling you to some "Buy-me syndrome". The television ad is even more commanding than the previous. The audio goes well with its now animated geezer. You scorn the fact that some loser is the one wearing it instead of you. You somehow resist.

More fast forward:

But the thought is addictive even outside, you drool at some highway billboards, mall pamphlets and gawk even at door ad comfort rooms. Eventually the corporate bastard would win you by some million-dollar effort.

This audio-visual bombardment covets you to buy things you don't really need. And the ironic part? It makes you regret after purchase.

A week ago, I bought a pair of brown-tinted Mango aviators. The tag price didn't bother me- my godmother gave me a shopping voucher as an early birthday gift. Later that day, I wondered why I ~~bought~~ chose it in the first place.

A confession: "Buy-me syndrome" is still in my head; I think I want an iPod video. In two week's time, I'd be broke, unless I snap out of this.

To my future 30 gig iPod video:
I don't need you, but I want you.. "my preciousss".

Wide Awake

2007-01-25T23:19:00.000+04:00

The soft snores of my 9-year-old sister echoed our semi-darkened room. No matter how much I tried, my efforts to retain body heat had no use and coldness still engulfs me. Slight movements from below brought screeching creaks and irritating shakiness, threatening to break our aged bunk bed. I could hear the tick tock's of our Winnie the Pooh supposedly-broken clock.

I'd shut my eyes in an attempt to fall into a slumber but moreover, my senses to my surroundings just increased. I could feel the steady pounding of my chest, the cold air brushing my toes, my long mane of hair irritating my neck and one of Benjie's stuffed arms. Sleeping was the farthest thing on my mind.

I stood and opened the balcony door enough to let the chilly air tickle my face. And there it was. Hanging loftily on the sky, the moon would appear teasing, as if tempting its watchers to gaze longer. If only its partner-in-crime, the stars would illuminate brighter. Who knows, maybe I could make a wish.

I'd go back to bed and sink further to my blankets when I hear the unmistakable soft footsteps of my dad going off for a midnight snack. Once again, I'm back to forcing myself to sleep. And then I'd reminiscence the day's events and whatnots, recalling incomplete notes and due projects. Or I'd just simply put on my earphones, listening to slow jams and the DJ's mellow-like voice.

Sleeping during class or weekend mornings feels blissful, yet when it is the right time to sleep I turn to a restless owl.

Which is probably why I find myself turning on my pc and chat with fellow insomniacs. Maybe by the time I post this entry I'll be drowsy enough to sleep.

Consequence of Not Wearing Glasses

2007-01-23T19:01:00.000+04:00

Cheating in our school is easy . I mean, the teachers are blind and oblivious to what the students do the moment they turn their backs. Especially in Term Exams, I'd see students doing different kind of methods. It's like evolution is taking place in the cheating world every tests and exams. Once, I even got hit by a ball of tissue paper filled with definitions of IT terms last Term Exam.

For some inexplicable reason, I was never one of those people who can cheat efficiently. You see, I'm one of those people who get heard by a half the class whenever I try to whisper. So, pretending to cough and catch one of my friend's attentions in an attempt to know an answer? Yeah, not a good idea.

I had a mental block in our Arabic test the other morning. I just saw the paper and then, poof! It was as if everything I knew leaked out. I recognized the questions and I knew the answers. I was just incapable of jotting it down due to my freakoutedness.

During tests and exams, students are made to sit with students from other year, either higher or lower. Occasionally, I either get stuck with uber serial poke-ist or snobbish students. Thank heavens; the girl next to me was someone I knew from the school choir. Oh, but that's not it. She knows and speaks Arabic too.

She noticed my nervous fidgeting. After a while, she looked at my paper directly, wrote something on her paper and made a gesture towards that told to me to look at her paper to see what she wrote.

It was an answer to the definition I left blank.

Wee. I have the answer!

After they collected the papers, she looked at me and said, 'You dum-dum! You know Pamela, you really need to get your glasses fixed!' I stared blankly at her and she went on, 'I told you to copy this,', she doodle at a scrap of paper what she meant, 'But you wrote this,' she once doodled at the scrap of paper.

I looked hard at both of them. And I realized what she meant. I copied it wrongly. She wrote the correct answer. But I, who rarely wears glasses, didn't see it properly, hence spelt it incorrectly. Gah. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Favorite Place

2007-01-21T19:23:00.000+04:00

Our class, labeled to be the nosiest on the senior floor, was doing more noise pollution the other day in English class. Our topic was colloquial words. But somehow it got shifted to what our favorite places are.

It was kinda interesting in an eye-opening way [?]. Rooftop building, balcony, kitchen, chair in front of computer, home countries, cometary, friend's house, toilet, markets and so on. Those were some of my friends' "favorite places".

I didn't get a chance to tell mine.

Okay, I take that back. I didn't want to tell mine at all. I dunno. I guess I just wanted to keep it to myself.. or maybe, I'm just too much of a coward to admit mine. Yeah, lame. I know.

While listening to my classmates go on and on about their favorite places, I could only think of one possible favorite place: a book. Or anything with a pencil or paper, for that matter.

Yes. A book. Gah, I'm such a geek. Whatever. When I read, everything cease to exist. It is just me, the book or a pencil as well, and maybe my shuffle-mode mp3 player or whatever, but I don't actually hear it since I'd be too absorbed. When you're reading, you could sit down at one o'clock and not look up again until five, and not even have any idea that time has passed by until someone mentions it, because you've been so caught up in what you're reading.

One of my close friends noticed I wasn't telling mine. She just went, "Oh, I know yours! It's those books!"

The thing is our English teacher said that her favorite place is a book too. She told us that's why she choose to be an English teacher. That creeps me out a bit. I mean, does that mean I'd be an English teacher too?

Gah. No freaking way.

Closure

2007-01-18T19:14:00.000+04:00

Meron ako palaging napapaginipan.
Oh, talaga?
Oo. At alam mo ba kong sino siya?
Sino?
Ikaw.

---

So, ano?
Yes.
Wait, is that a yes yes?
Oo nga eh.

---

Halika, idemanda na naten!
Sige. Kunhari ako pa lawyer mo.
Ay, wag na. Baka hindi pa tayo masama sa mga lakad.
Ok lang yun. Samahan kita. Bibisitahin nila tayo.
Haha. Sira!

---

It's almost 4 am.
I know.
Inaatok ka na ba?
Oo.
So, I'll call you later na lang?
Wag muna. Gusto pa kita kausapin.

---

Parang gusto ko na nga umiyak eh.
Uy, wag ka umiyak.
Bakit naman?
Iiyak din ako.

---

Ayoko na.
Anong ayaw mo na?
I'm sorry.
You're breaking up with me?
I'm sorry.

---

Lack of the right words are engulfing my brain. My emo side is kicking in. I woke up this morning thinking it was as normal as any other day. And then I realize what day it was. No, we broke up so it's not much of an anniversary, more like an erm, supposed-to-be anniversary. I would mention the curse-est curse now if only I wasn't so depressed to think of one.

Randomnisity

2007-01-13T17:29:00.000+04:00

Don't mind the title. I don't think it even exists.

How will I start? For the past few minutes I've been trying and failing to finish a paragraph. There. I just deleted one again. Why did I make it in the first place if I was going to delete it?

I'm bored. No, correction. I have tons of stuff I have to do. I'm just procrastinating. I've learned from my past stupefied mistakes that when I don't want to do something I have to, I often become lazy. Then procrastinate. And then suffer the struggle of cramming workload in the last minute.

Gah. Enough.

On a completely different note:

- Our school's headmaster came to our Life Skills the other day, badgering us on our religious beliefs. And somehow, the topic came to what's the difference between assertive and aggressive, on a religious' mind level.

It's rumored that our headmaster is an atheist. He went on about a lot of things that most of us disagreed on. Most of us just listened. Our school's pretty conservative on being opinionated (ie, students with blogs are punished for some unknown reason).

- Why is Boy Bawang called Boy Bawang? Really. I understand the bawang part. But why is there a boy pa? Is it because the inventor was a guy?

Or maybe the inventor was a girl but her nickname was 'boy'? Hey, it could happen. One of my close friend's nickname is 'boy'. And she sure is a girl. It's just that the was chubby when she was younger so she was called, 'Baboy'. Only they shortened it to 'boy'.

- People find it easier to open up about their problems or perform/present in front of people they know very well or strangers. Right? Well, I do.

I once performed in an open mall for Dubai Music School without any severe nervousness yet my mom have to give me evil looks before I sing a karaoke song during occasions. Oh, and one of the things I sometimes write here are unknown to the most people I'm close to. Weird, right? I guess there's some sort of psychological reason for that.

Hm. On second thought, I'd rather not.

- Envelopes. It's pronounced as 'on-ve-lop'. Not 'en-ve-lop'.

My 7th grade English teacher explained to us back then that 'envelope' is in fact a French word that's erm, adapted by the English. Thus, pronouncing it wrong since in French grammar 'e' is pronounced with the sound of 'o'. It tuns out that half English-speaking people people don't know this. Isn't that cool? Yeah, I'm such a geek at times.

- ABC and twinkle twinkle have the same rhythm. My friend told me this after reading a Friendster bulletin. Sad to say, I actually sang it in my head to make sure.

Anyways. My YM's is emitting alarmingly, loud pinging sounds since I'm not responding to any of my friends. Hm, they must be annoyed since I'm always the one complaining they're taking too long to reply. Haha.

Discovering Anime

2007-01-11T22:31:00.000+04:00

For the first time in many weeks, I wasn't late at school. My mind was barely functioning properly, my hair resembled something like a bird's nest and my body was craving for the comforts of my bed.

'Pamela!! I love naruto!'

My classmate, Julia burst into our class, screeching and possibly damaging my eardrums. She started babbling and gibbering how, when and all other details she could think of about her newfound love- naruto.

Actually, I don't watch anime at all. I've never really tried. I thought it was just pointless to watch a bunch of cartoons, only to struggle reading the subtitles since I can't understand the language.

In our school, only Filipinos and a few other students actually know what naruto or even anime is. Being her only choice left as her listener, I was given an in dept, full-blown details of each and every episode she watched. Though my naruto-addicted friends have told me almost the same thing, I found myself being intrigued by it.

Which was probably why right now I'm waiting, waiting, and getting annoyed that the episode is taking so ridiculously long to load.

Today was the Open House. I was depressed and bored at the same time. When I wasn't blog hopping or downloading mp3s, I was trying to ignore the dread of what might my teacher might be telling my mom right at that moment.

I guess I didn't even realize the extent of my boredom since I looked up an anime site and explored the world that has captured oh-so-many hearts.

And you know what? I'm hooked. Addicted. Passionate. Yadiyadiya, you get the picture.

Oh, yes. It finished loading. Yay!

Renewed Friendship

2007-01-08T18:47:00.000+04:00

From afar we looked like any other normal 15-year-old friends.

Our conversation was easy and flowing. We were eager to go home and rest but we were quite comfortable with each other's presence. We laughed like old times, talked about almost everything, sang stupidly in the light drizzle that appears only during winter in this desert city, made fun of each other, share unmentioned happenings in our little world.

No one would have ever guessed that the same time a year ago, I would have looked passed her and went on. We did everything to avoid each other. We were just polite used-to-be friends that don't talk. We have similar friends. It was kinda awkward when we're forced to be with each other; cold and unresponsive to each other's presence.

Many things drove us apart. Mainly her (and others) disapproval of my boyfriend back then that apparently caused my changes. Then each other's new set of friends. Add that to the fact that she's ...

Fights broke out, revenges were started, I didn't care anymore if other people thought bad of her and her friends. I was too driven with emotions.

There were times I wondered why would they said those things or wished her (and others) head would just be chopped off. I can't remember the number of times I say, Bitch! every time her (and others) name were mentioned.

Eventually everything passed by like a blur. Time and space allowed us to heal and forgive. The desire to attempt for a fresh start in the light that this would our last years in highschool probably drove us to rekindle.

They were gaps.

But it was better.

I kept the new set of friends, lost the boyfriend and supported her relationship with her boyfriend. She (and others) accepted my ex-boyfriend ( before we even broke up), befriended my new friends and happy that I'm quite close to her new friends.

A while ago, when we bid each other goodbye, it was kinda hard to believe that for the first time this year our conversation and goodbye sounded almost.. real. Sincere.

I guess the time and space did help.

When The Results Came

2007-01-05T01:11:00.000+04:00

The dislike for the first day since the winter break increased. Enthusiasm to normally gossip about each other's holidays quickly evaporated.

Tension in the room was high. The air felt colder even though the air-conditioner was off. Everyone had a solemn expression on their terrified faces. Anyone who entered the room could immediately sense the anticipation screaming out. Palms were sweating excessively; hearts were thumping nervously in our chest.

The class once labeled the nosiest had its loudest scream of silence. Teachers wasted no time breaking our young hearts. It was hard to decipher whether they had joy giving us those grieving news or felt saddened by our loss.

When the papers were given, I could tell everyone had a similar thought. It was sketched all over their face, "How am I going to tell my parents?"

Everyone got disappointing grades. It felt as if our pride and dreams was being stamped on the floor and torn to pieces by a merciless monster. It was a harsh blow to those who felt they deserved more, those who really worked hard to exceed their parents' expectations and persisted in studying.

When all was said and given, silence filled the room once again. We were too shocked to talk, too numb to cry, too worried about our parents' reaction, too busy checking if the marks were counted wrong. We wondered. "If this was just the beginning, how are we supposed to cope with the difficulty for the next semester or moreover, years?"

My academic grades have always been good enough. Thankfully, I wasn't below average but not above either. Just average. But today, I got my first D. Never in my life have I experienced seeing a D in my report card and suffer the struggle of explaining to my parents why their first daughter got a D.

Marks and grades seem insignificant compared to wars and poverty. But for a 9th grader, or any student for that matter it is significant. You study and work hard, developing nervous breakdowns and headaches from all the confusion. And after all that it's still not enough.

"To succeed, you have to fail a few times."

But how many times do you have to fail before you succeed? When will it be enough?

New Year

2007-01-01T22:56:00.000+04:00

In the year 2006,

- Met new friends, lost some.
- Been talked about behind my back by someone I thought was a friend.
- Judged by a frickin hypocrite who barely knows me.
- Had my first serious relationship.. and broke up.
- Drew away from God.
- Lied to my parents about a LOT of things.
- Sneaked out of the house.
- Got increasingly low marks.
- Got caught in places and with people I'm not supposed to be with.
- Went to a police station.
- Been a hypocrite and two-faced.
- Found God again.
- Befriend and forgive ex-friends.
- Was too late to become friends with someone.
- Was mean to a newcomer.
- Broke people's hearts and got my heart broken as well at times.

Gah. I'd rather not continue. Haha. I try so hard to remember the nice and happy things but no. I can only remember the shitty things I've done.

What to do? That's life. You try to be perfect and that's what it might it seem but reality slaps you right in the face to remind you it's crazy. Gahh. Lord, it's another year. Gusto ko na bagong buhay. Let me follow You.

So my resolution for this year?
Hmm.. think more. Definitely!

Title Problem

2006-12-30T20:35:00.000+04:00

Ohmygulay. What do I write about? Gah.
I am so bored. Yes with a capital B. Gah. Poo, poo. What the heck?!

I have so much to share right now. Nothing interesting though, just plain boring stuff. Gah. I haven't posted anything for like, three days even though I practically spent my whole day in this computer and so now all the things I wanted to say and want to say are all shuffled. It's like screaming "me first" inside my head.

Hmm, to start with, everyone's so sick right now.

Haha, yeah, so exciting. I don't know. I just find it interesting. I got sick in the beginning of December, then I got Tita Bebe infected. Then Tita Bebe infected my brother Paul. He infected my sister Paulline. She infected my other brother Paolo. Then get this, he infected Tita Bebe. So I'm the only one not sick right now. While everyone, with the exception of my parents, is sick. This everyone-is-sick-because-of-me-but-I'm-not-sick is somehow making me gloat. Tee-hee. I'm so evil.

Guess what? Ohymygulay. I forgot what I wanted to say.. Gah. What the heck?!

Oh, oh! Now I remember! Yeah, I wanted to say something about what my ex did, or rather told last night. Let me just say that things didn't end as smoothly as I thought it would. To make a long story short, I wanted out, he didn't. But yeah, whatever.

I guess you could say I've been acting kinda mean to him. I didn't mean to be though. When we ended things, I was willing to stay as friends but after that I felt too.. suffocated. I mean, he kept asking if I "moved one" or "found someone else". But I care about him and I want him to move on na.

The other night I just snapped. I don't know what came over me. I basically told him a lie just so he won't talk to me. Gah. I feel so ashamed of myself. I think I was too harsh. No, I was too harsh. But I don't know, what was I supposed to say? I'm not really the best person for that sort of things. Poo. What to do, what to do.

Gah. I'm not in the mood all of a sudden. Look what you did to me ~~Chris~~. SHIT.

Another One

2006-12-27T18:31:00.000+04:00

Yeah, I made this one ages ago. I almost forgot I made it. XD. It's about two opposites falling in love and living happily ever after. How I wished that could happen in reality, you know?! Anyways. Here it is. Warning: It is long. And rather lame. Don't continue if looking for something interesting.

Tale of Two

he spit on her
she pulled his pants
he teased her
she mocked him

he called her names
she wrote FAG on his locker
and they were childhood enemies

he was partnered in Bio. with her
she had no choice
he learned about her
she found out the real him

he discovered her weaknesses
she saw through his facade
and they became friends

he confided in her
she listened to him
he gave her support
she comforted his anguish

he changed her demure act
she corrected his bad-boys ways
and they became more than friends

he got drunk at a party
she wasn't there
he kissed her best friend
she had no idea

he told her
she already knew from rumors
he asked for forgiveness
she felt too betrayed
and they broke up

he saw her happy, it saddened him
she wanted to forget the past
he dated her best friend
she moved on with his brother
and they began to loathe each other

he's now a successful businessman
she's an accomplishing journalist
he enters a cafe
she's sitting by a table

he saw her at once
she met his gaze
and they gave it a another try

he had always loved her, even when they broke up
she was still waiting for him, throughout the whole time
he wanted to marry her
and she accepted his proposal
and they lived happily ever after

Christmas

2006-12-26T17:55:00.000+04:00

Yay! Christmas!

Well, the Xmas Party of YFC at Zabeel Park was a blast. I didn't think I could make it, but I did! Yay! Some of them this skit thing. It was funny, but I think they were kinda mocking na.

Pictorials. Gosh, we couldn't get enough of them. You'd think we had better stuff to do but NO.. it was like the Oscars without Brad Pitt. Even the guys were becoming vain. Influenced by the prettyful girls. Haha!

Oh, oh and the longest line game! Our team lost! I kinda wished we did more games but I think we were too err, scattered! Haha! Oh yeah, we exchanged gifts. I got this from Pauline, this adorable new member from Jebel Ali. Only I er, don't exactly know what it is though.

After it was time to go home, no one did. We just jammed and.. took more pictures! It was fun! Singing like morons, making faces at every moment someone raised their digicam.

My family and I spent Christmas here at our house this year. But on New Year we are gonna spend the weekend at Fujairah. Anyways. I wasn't actually in the Christmas mood this Christmas. Maybe it's because I'm heartbroken.. or I didn't get the leggings I wanted?! I just don't feel Christmas right now.

Bah, whatever. I think I'm being just too selfish. Christmas isn't about receiving. It's about giving. I shouldn't be thinking about me, it's the birthday of Jesus! And most importantly Christmas isn't about us, it's about Him.

Happy Christmas everyone!

Always

2006-12-23T21:17:00.000+04:00

I know things happen for a reason. And I know God puts us through obstacles because He knows we can overcome them to strengthen our faith or maybe for some other deeper reason.. but still.

I'm once again feeling all worthless and.. bah, all that shit. I hate it. I don't know what to do. I mean, they're wrong and unfair but I know ako din mali nmn. It's much better to know whose fault it really is than sit and wonder whose fault it really is. I mean, cguro they're getting more than usual because of the pressure they're getting.. or maybe tlgang tanga lang ako. Waa.

I was reading tine's entry in her multiply about this experience she had. Tpos she mentioned something about that points out the fact that God will always be there when you have no one else to turn to. I'm ashamed to admit it but it's true right? I mean, when do we turn to God? When we're in trouble, or when we want/need something, when there's no one else to turn to. And yet, after all that He accepts us openly again.

I realized this when I thought about calling my friends, you know for sympathy or comfort or whatever. Then it occurred to me, I really didn't know what to say to them exactly, I couldn't explain what I.. bah, you get it. I was eating my dinner while I was thinking about all this. Tpos suddenly out of nowhere this line from a Hillsongs' Heart of Worship:

"I'm sorry Lord for the thing I've made it
When it's all about You
It's all about You, Jesus"

It's true. Kht ano man mangyari, it's all about Him. This life. When "the music fades, all is stripped away and i simply come longing just to bring something that's of worth", we always come back to Him and He will always be there no matter what.

Kaia I dunno, emote ako ng emote dito sa harap ng pc, listening to those songs and I'm like, crying but I dunno.. I just somehow feel ok, even though deep inside I feel so worthless.

Even though I feel lonely because the people I thought who'd always be there would come comforting me right now. But I guess God is the only thing we can be sure that will always be there. And that's enough for me.

Vanity Sessions at City Centre

2006-12-21T10:38:00.000+04:00

Yay! I'm so happy, Winter Break started two days ago!

The class party was much more fun than I expected. The teachers ditched the idea of giving the exam papers on the same day. Anyways, it was a blast. My feet ached from too much dancing. The food was good. Too bad only few students came. We were like, only 16.

After that, we went over my house so that I can change my clothes. Then we took a bunch of buses to go to Bern's house so that everyone else can change. Ack, that journey took about two hours, damn, Dubai traffic.

Anyways, when we finally did arrive at City Centre, after much more traffic, the first thing we did? Pictures! Haha! Seriously, right after we got off the taxi, we asked the dude who was in charge of that area to take a picture of us. Yeah, we're that fanatic when it comes it taking pictures.

Then after that we went to this part of the mall we call DR, don't ask. And what did we do? Take pictures. I mean, lots. We spent about an hour and half there. We didn't even realized the time until Bern's digi-cam was giving signs we it was low-bat. It was so much fun. Vain, but fun. It even came to the point we were laughing so hard on the floor for no apparent reason. It was kinda embarrassing when I was posing on the floor with Czarina when this lady came in. Haha!

We were initially searching Christmas' gifts for er.. special people BUT every time we passed by a shop we couldn't resist going in. Especially at Forever21. Haha! We were only gonna 'try on a few clothes' but right after we try on clothes, we take pictures and we just couldn't help buying one. Haha!

Good thing, I pestered Ma with money the other night. Weh, but I still didn't get to buy the leggings and headband. Luckily, my psychotic friends were still sane enough to stop me. Ooh, but I found the perfect gift already! Hm, I just hope it won't be too obvious that Bern and I bought the same exact thing for both of them. =S

I was too tired the next morning. My legs were frickin' aching so much! Gah. But I didn't get to go out yesterday, just went to church for the simbang gabi.

Oh joy, joy.

2006-12-18T14:27:00.000+04:00

OVER!! YESSS!!!

The frickin' exams are OVER.
Oh joy, joy. You have no idea how happy I am right now.

Tomorrow's the class party. No one's practically coming.

Why? Because the teachers live to torture us and so have decided to give the exams papers on that day. Like what the heck? We came to a yes, lame but nevertheless long-awaited class party and what did they decide to do just crash our mood?! Give the exam papers.

Oh yeah. Sure way to spend a party, crying over the exam papers we have tried to forget ever doing.

Ergh. Whatever.

The only reason I'm gonna come is beacause we [qkaii, kyao, bunso, pardz, sis] are going out after school. Yay! I don't exactly know where we're gonna go but I don't care. I am going out with chokiz again for the first time in months.

Oh joy, joy.

P.S.
I have a new layout! Wee! It's the first one made by myself. Gosh, it's so simple and er.. very simple but yay, I'm so proud I actually managed to made one. Hehe. Thank Goodness for Microsoft FrontPage!!

Rain in Desert

2006-12-17T17:35:00.000+04:00

Yeah, baby that's rain in Dubai.

Well, Sharjah actually. Ha! Bet you didn't think things like these didn't happen here, right? Here, where sand is everywhere and the sun's always trying to murder you. Ha, in your face!

Need, Don't Need

2006-12-17T17:14:00.000+04:00

What I need right now:

Winter/Christmas Break.
A long, warm bath.
Mocha frapps.
The Devil Wears Prada DvD.
Extra-cheese caramel flavored popcorn.
Few good books to last me a day or two.
Mall of Emirates scents and feelings.
Wacky friends ~~and a loving boyfriend.~~

What I do NOT need right now:

Twelve chapters to study for Literature.
Frickin' cold air-condition refusing to be turned off.
Sucky cold milk chocolate.
Lack of junk food to fulfill my sugar-depraved self.
Dvds hidden by pesky dad in an attempt to encourage my siblings and I to study.
Useless pile of pocketbooks I've re-read for like, the millionth time.
Anxious feeling of, "Is my mom gonna allow me to go out...". Crap.
Not-getting-along friends and an ex-boyfriend.

Haynaku. It's good tomorrow's the last exam. My head's exploding from all this.. all this.. ergh, complicatedness.

Why can't a girl just have want she wants, you know?

Paramore - My Heart

2006-12-16T19:13:00.000+04:00

I am finding out that maybe I was wrong
That I've fallen down and I can't do this alone

Stay with me, this is what I need, please?

Sing us a song and we'll sing it back to you
We could sing our own but what would it be without you?

I am nothing now and it's been so long
Since I've heard the sound, the sound of my only hope

This time I will be listening.

Sing us a song and we'll sing it back to you
We could sing our own but what would it be without you?

This heart, it beats, beats for only you
This heart, it beats, beats for only you

This heart, it beats, beats for only you
My heart is yours

This heart, it beats, beats for only you
My heart is yours
(My heart, it beats for you)

This heart, it beats, beats for only you (It beats, beats for only you)
My heart is yours (My heart is yours)

This heart, it beats, beats for only you (Please don't go now, please don't fade away)
My heart, my heart is yours (Please don't go now, please don't fade away)

(Please don't go now, please don't fade away) My heart is yours
(Please don't go now, please don't fade away) My heart is yours
(Please don't go, please don't fade away)
(Please don't go now, please don't fade away) My heart is...

I guess by now it'd be obvious to who I'm talking about huh?!

How I've Turned Boring

2006-12-12T13:53:00.000+04:00

Well, surprise, surprise, I'm not studying. Haven't done that for weeks since the exams started.

Hm, that came out wrong. I actually haven't been studying that much for the exams lately. Thank goodness it's our Life Skills exam tomorrow. We nothing to study for that! WEE!!

Oh well, never mind. I'm bored right now. I'm not in the mood to chat with anyone right now. ~~I WANT CHRIS though~~. Oops, that came out wrong.

Ack, my poems are already inspired by him, must my entries be filled with him too? If one of my friends were here, I'd probably ask them to whack my head right now. On second thought, forget it. They whack pretty hard. T_T

Oh, I walked to our house from the school today. And it was raining damn hard. You'd think living in a Middle-Eastern country would get less rain but no. Walking has never been so much like a nightmare.

I mean, it's already winter so it's frickin' cold and there are lots of mud on the way to our building being it in the middle of the desert plus it was raining. I realize I don't have to be so paranoid but hello, I just a fever and have a cold now, I really don't want to miss my exams. And-

HAHAHA. I can't believe I was just gibbering about the weather. The Weather. Geez, have I been partially possesed by boring,dull spirits?!

Yeah, I think I better stop now before I write anything more revoltingly embarrassing.

Procastinating Arabic

2006-12-11T16:01:00.000+04:00

Dozed it off, watched John Tucker again
You are so stupid Pamela
Do you really think you can escape?

Clock ticking, three more lessons to go,
You are so stupid Pamela
Do you really think you're gonna finish?

All you friends finished, everyone's sleeping
You are so stupid Pamela
Do you really think you're that smart?

Mind flying high, scribbling away
You are so stupid Pamela
Do you really think attempting a poem would make you learn for tomorrow's Arabic exam?

HAHAHA. Lame, I know. I happen to really like it and think it's funny. I mean, it's not everyday you write a poem about how stupid you are for procrastinating to study of your Arabic exam right? Haha. I love this poem too much.

Must

2006-12-11T15:54:00.000+04:00

A smile, instead of a scowl
A hug, instead of a yell

Support, instead of criticism
Comfort, instead of abandonment
Trust, instead of rejection

What must I do for it to be enough?
What must I do to exceed their expectations?
What must I do to be trusted?
What must I do to be accepted for who I am?

What must I do?

Yay, first successful poem in ages to be non-related to him. This poem is obviously about my parents, their expectations and what not. It's too short. Wanted to make it longer but just did this again last night too, when I was supposedly studying for my Arabic exam.

Paradox Emotions

2006-12-11T15:39:00.000+04:00

Feeling, but resisting
Shattered, but hoping
Moving, but staying
Happy, but miserable

Contradictory, perplexing feelings
Filling the head of a supposedly-Arabic-studying girl

Done something right
Yet feeling so hurt
Blocking it with numbness, a facade
Voicing it with angst-filled laments
Is that so wrong?

Another poem inspired by who else, but him. I think it's gone way emo. Wrote it last night while supposedly studying for my Arabic exam. I think I'm immune to basic I'm-studying-at-the-middle-of-the-night-yet-I'm-writing-poems jitters.

Laments of a Broken heart

2006-12-09T11:03:00.000+04:00

So I can't go to deviantART. The internet provider in our area blocked it. Urgh. I hate it when they do that. Anyways, I've got a new poem. Here it is:

Laments of a Broken heart

"I have to tell you something.
What is it?"

The space could be ignored,
But its emptiness won't be filled.

The truth were hidden,
But it couldn't be denied any longer.
The words seem to waver,
But they insist to be heard.
The tears are strongly held back,
But they fall, nevertheless.
The kiss longed to be deepened,
But it doesn't even continue.

"We can't be together.
I thought I could go through this, but.. I can't."

Angst engulfed my fucked-up self
Misery has an undying passion for me
Warm nights turned to cold nightmares
Fairy tales of fantasy torn apart
Romantic movies and songs, unbearable
Solitude, a dreaded reminder I'm not with him

"Why? Is it me? Have you found someone else?
No.. I just can't anymore."

Like Blue, he found the best in me,
Like Rocksteddy, he set me free,
Like Mandy Moore, he was my only hope,
Like Cueshe, I hoped he would stay,
Like Avril Lavigne, I wanted a happy ending with him
Like Natalie Imburglia, I'm torn,
Like Tamia, I'm officially missing him,
Like Parokya ni Edgar, I find myself coming back to him,
Like Callalily, I'm saying I love him once again,
Like Westlife, I think I'll be loving him forever
Damn, God help me.

"What? Whatever it is, I have faith we can overcome this."

Oh, bittersweet Love,
You meddlesome, pesky prick
Euphoric happiness, you are
You bring ecstasy to its zenith
Yet..
Your cunning tricks are horrific
Pain, you could bring, unpredictable

"Do you still love me?
Always."

The lonesome waits for you
Couples and lovers devour you
Loathe and longing you get from the wretched

"Then why can't we be together?
No.. we're just not meant to be."

You stormed a hurricane to my life
Reminiscence of the past you left
With nostalgic feelings for eons of love,
And permanent sorrow for unrequited love

"Do you know how much you're hurting me?"

Philosophers, writers, poets
Many tried, few succeeded
Yearning to experience your phenomenon

"I'm sorry.. goodbye."

My own attempt fruitless
Maybe someday, I'll try again

But for now I'm just a broken heart
With a lone lament

Note: Entirely done by me. Once again, one of my many poems inspired by him. >.< I think it's too long. But I dunno, it just.. feel right.

Still

2006-12-06T16:48:00.000+04:00

So I heard
But I didn't look up
Tears formed behind my eyes
But I didn't cry
Desire to be lost in your arms
But I don't give in

I realize now that our "love" would have never last
I need to stop crying, put it in the past
I will never know what I did wrong
Wait, I do know, just..
I hope you know what I feel inside is true
And just so you know, I'm still in love with you

Note: Entirely done by me. I think I edited this before to much longer version. I just can't find it now. Boo.

My Worst Nightmare

2006-12-06T16:00:00.000+04:00

Have you ever been in love?

Horrible, isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build all these defenses, this whole armor of barrier for years, so nothing can hurt you.

Then one stupid person, no different from any other person wanders into your stupid life.

And suddenly you understand why that dude build the TajMahal for his wife, why Juliet stuck a dagger to her heart, why the Trojan war started because of a run-away queen. How a thing called love could subject countless poems, books and songs. How it sway battles, and change minds, to alter history. How a thing called love could caused people to be contradictory and thickheaded and was so often the demise of great lovers and powerful men. How a thing so trivial as love, so insignificant as a look or a touch or a hug, rule thousands.

I can honestly say he was the one person I did not want to meet my whole life. He broke down my emotional walls and made me feel things I didn't want to feel yet. He could see right through the facade and masks I wear. I hated him for that.

It was scary when I realized who he was: my worst nightmare.

It's true he was my worst nightmare. But he was the kind of nightmare that makes a person wakes up. It's weird it say this, but I suppose I was sleeping my whole life.. and then he made me wake up.

And then reality sets in. Mistakes were made and things happened. Stupid, pesky crap.

Weird thing is, as much as reality sucks, I don't wanna go back to sleep.
And I'm longing for my worst nightmare.
I miss him.

God, help me.

Tainted Idyll

2006-12-06T15:04:00.000+04:00

Reach out, and you take my heart away
Exhilirating bliss and serenity shattered
Once sheer conscience and stupid reasoning caught up
Break down, and cease all feeling
Burn now, what was once breathing

And in the mirror, a fragile wreck
Coming tears form deep within
I wish it could be still
But it was a just a 'visit'
Oh, it must be hidden

In your promises, I see a flaw tantalizing me
In the past it dwells, it stays
I'd give you my hand if you reach out and grab it
But now, memories it can only be
T'was temporary bliss, permanent sorrow

One day I hope you can forgive
As I loved you..
But goodbye came

Note: Yes, another poem inspired by him. Poo.

The Necessary Evil

2006-12-06T13:19:00.000+04:00

So it would be practically a miracle if I passed the Physics exam I did this morning. No, correction: It was a miracle I actually knew the answer to some of the questions.

I mean, they're so.. uregh. To all the Physics 9th graders of my school, you know what I mean, right? I mean, really the find the density of the unopened olive oil!

Anyways.

The Necessary Evil will have to try harder at its attempts to engulf me because I'm so not giving in to it. Tomorrow is English Languange Exam. Ha! You can't study for that. You're either good at English or you're bad. I think.

Whatever. I'm just gonna read the dictionary today in preparation for that. That should make any English teacher happy.

P.S.'The Necessary Evil' = studying. Get it?

P.P.S. Is it becoming obvious I'm terribly addicted to 'P.S.'?

Fixation?

2006-12-05T18:45:00.000+04:00

Once again I'm proving how much of a sloth I am. I should studying (or atleast attempting to) Physics for the BIG exam tomorrow. Yet I'm here.

But I can't help it. I have a new blog. *squeals* Again. Yeah, for the.. well, I lost count the number of blogs I made and deleted/abandoned. Yeah, I have a fixation on finding the perfect layout, making a blog, make it look perfect-esque enough for my deluded-self, scribble random ranting and/or profound moments for the first few months and abandoning/deleting it after remembering on a boring day for chatting on-line.

But I have a.. nice (Ms. Honey, my English teacher would so deduct marks right now if this was an eassay or something. She has something against the word 'nice', that women.) feeling about this blog. Okay, I say that about every new blog I make. But whatever. I really do have a nice feeling this blog-and-blogger relationship might last. Maybe months. Or years. Really.

Okay, okay I better get ass out of here (what the hell?), horrific formulas and definitions of the Physics world are awaiting to torture me.