In Memory Of My Memory

It required tremendous effort to not pass/sit next to a person without getting a comment such as, 'Hey, Miyuki!' or 'Konichiwa!' or something similar like that this morning at our YFC meeting. I don’t even know who Miyuki or whatever her name is, but apparently my anime-ish(as JB calls it using his 'dictionary') hairdo and fringe caused me to have a distinct resemblance of the girl in The Grudge 2. Er, okay, I didn't know I looked that scary.

Moving on.

Later during the meeting, Kuya Rap told us to close our eyes while singing Hillsong's Heart Of Worship. He told us to imagine God in front of us, worshiping and singing this song. I did just that and as I started to sing the lyrics I closed my eyes and longed for His presence. But all I see was darkness. Just plain darkness. I mean, what do you expect to see when your eyes are closed right?

'You search much deeper within
through the way things appear..'

I stopped singing along and pondered on the meaning of each word that just escaped my lips. This time, I could see myself kneeling down in the darkness, although I could clearly see a bright light. I thought maybe that's where He was so I prepared myself to go nearer but I felt too scared and too worthless.

Our reverie ended and we were asked to 'share'. People talked about how they saw Him in the clouds, surrounded by a bright light, standing (or floating, as in in Jo's case) before Him. Some were kneeling too, in a midst of darkness, but they saw Him nonetheless. Others, like myself, saw nothing except few non-descriptive.. things.

Kuya Rap told us to close our eyes once again and position in the way we envisioned ourselves while our eyes were closed. But this time, we were told to visualized ourselves surrounded by the other people in the room, worshiping and singing to Him.

So I did.

But I just saw the same thing. Darkness, the small bright light. I wanted to reach out. But I felt too worthless and scared. I was.. gah. I don’t know how to explain it.

It infuriated me because I wanted to feel His presence and I was too much of a coward. And I was too scared to reach out because I might not be able to. And maybe I wasn’t really deserving. And maybe I wasn’t just ‘opening’ up. And I was wondering why I couldn’t see anything. I started to feel my knees shaking, and I had trouble steadying myself and I sobbed uncontrollably.

Maybe it’s still not my time yet. Let’s face it; I’m not exactly religious. I just have faith. I swear, I lie, I cheat and I do things that would probably break my parents’ hearts. I'm more of a God-fearing sinner. And I definitely don’t say 10 Hail Mary’s each day religiously since I don’t believe in that. I’m practically a hypocrite.

Who am I to be in His presence?