Title Problem

Ohmygulay. What do I write about? Gah.
I am so bored. Yes with a capital B. Gah. Poo, poo. What the heck?!

I have so much to share right now. Nothing interesting though, just plain boring stuff. Gah. I haven't posted anything for like, three days even though I practically spent my whole day in this computer and so now all the things I wanted to say and want to say are all shuffled. It's like screaming "me first" inside my head.

Hmm, to start with, everyone's so sick right now.

Haha, yeah, so exciting. I don't know. I just find it interesting. I got sick in the beginning of December, then I got Tita Bebe infected. Then Tita Bebe infected my brother Paul. He infected my sister Paulline. She infected my other brother Paolo. Then get this, he infected Tita Bebe. So I'm the only one not sick right now. While everyone, with the exception of my parents, is sick. This everyone-is-sick-because-of-me-but-I'm-not-sick is somehow making me gloat. Tee-hee. I'm so evil.

Guess what? Ohymygulay. I forgot what I wanted to say.. Gah. What the heck?!

Oh, oh! Now I remember! Yeah, I wanted to say something about what my ex did, or rather told last night. Let me just say that things didn't end as smoothly as I thought it would. To make a long story short, I wanted out, he didn't. But yeah, whatever.

I guess you could say I've been acting kinda mean to him. I didn't mean to be though. When we ended things, I was willing to stay as friends but after that I felt too.. suffocated. I mean, he kept asking if I "moved one" or "found someone else". But I care about him and I want him to move on na.

The other night I just snapped. I don't know what came over me. I basically told him a lie just so he won't talk to me. Gah. I feel so ashamed of myself. I think I was too harsh. No, I was too harsh. But I don't know, what was I supposed to say? I'm not really the best person for that sort of things. Poo. What to do, what to do.

Gah. I'm not in the mood all of a sudden. Look what you did to me Chris. SHIT.

Another One

Yeah, I made this one ages ago. I almost forgot I made it. XD. It's about two opposites falling in love and living happily ever after. How I wished that could happen in reality, you know?! Anyways. Here it is. Warning: It is long. And rather lame. Don't continue if looking for something interesting.

Tale of Two

he spit on her
she pulled his pants
he teased her
she mocked him

he called her names
she wrote FAG on his locker
and they were childhood enemies

he was partnered in Bio. with her
she had no choice
he learned about her
she found out the real him

he discovered her weaknesses
she saw through his facade
and they became friends

he confided in her
she listened to him
he gave her support
she comforted his anguish

he changed her demure act
she corrected his bad-boys ways
and they became more than friends

he got drunk at a party
she wasn't there
he kissed her best friend
she had no idea

he told her
she already knew from rumors
he asked for forgiveness
she felt too betrayed
and they broke up

he saw her happy, it saddened him
she wanted to forget the past
he dated her best friend
she moved on with his brother
and they began to loathe each other

he's now a successful businessman
she's an accomplishing journalist
he enters a cafe
she's sitting by a table

he saw her at once
she met his gaze
and they gave it a another try

he had always loved her, even when they broke up
she was still waiting for him, throughout the whole time
he wanted to marry her
and she accepted his proposal
and they lived happily ever after

Christmas

Yay! Christmas!

Well, the Xmas Party of YFC at Zabeel Park was a blast. I didn't think I could make it, but I did! Yay! Some of them this skit thing. It was funny, but I think they were kinda mocking na.

Pictorials. Gosh, we couldn't get enough of them. You'd think we had better stuff to do but NO.. it was like the Oscars without Brad Pitt. Even the guys were becoming vain. Influenced by the prettyful girls. Haha!

Oh, oh and the longest line game! Our team lost! I kinda wished we did more games but I think we were too err, scattered! Haha! Oh yeah, we exchanged gifts. I got this from Pauline, this adorable new member from Jebel Ali. Only I er, don't exactly know what it is though.

After it was time to go home, no one did. We just jammed and.. took more pictures! It was fun! Singing like morons, making faces at every moment someone raised their digicam.

My family and I spent Christmas here at our house this year. But on New Year we are gonna spend the weekend at Fujairah. Anyways. I wasn't actually in the Christmas mood this Christmas. Maybe it's because I'm heartbroken.. or I didn't get the leggings I wanted?! I just don't feel Christmas right now.

Bah, whatever. I think I'm being just too selfish. Christmas isn't about receiving. It's about giving. I shouldn't be thinking about me, it's the birthday of Jesus! And most importantly Christmas isn't about us, it's about Him.

Happy Christmas everyone!

Always

I know things happen for a reason. And I know God puts us through obstacles because He knows we can overcome them to strengthen our faith or maybe for some other deeper reason.. but still.

I'm once again feeling all worthless and.. bah, all that shit. I hate it. I don't know what to do. I mean, they're wrong and unfair but I know ako din mali nmn. It's much better to know whose fault it really is than sit and wonder whose fault it really is. I mean, cguro they're getting more than usual because of the pressure they're getting.. or maybe tlgang tanga lang ako. Waa.

I was reading tine's entry in her multiply about this experience she had. Tpos she mentioned something about that points out the fact that God will always be there when you have no one else to turn to. I'm ashamed to admit it but it's true right? I mean, when do we turn to God? When we're in trouble, or when we want/need something, when there's no one else to turn to. And yet, after all that He accepts us openly again.

I realized this when I thought about calling my friends, you know for sympathy or comfort or whatever. Then it occurred to me, I really didn't know what to say to them exactly, I couldn't explain what I.. bah, you get it. I was eating my dinner while I was thinking about all this. Tpos suddenly out of nowhere this line from a Hillsongs' Heart of Worship:

"I'm sorry Lord for the thing I've made it
When it's all about You
It's all about You, Jesus"

It's true. Kht ano man mangyari, it's all about Him. This life. When "the music fades, all is stripped away and i simply come longing just to bring something that's of worth", we always come back to Him and He will always be there no matter what.

Kaia I dunno, emote ako ng emote dito sa harap ng pc, listening to those songs and I'm like, crying but I dunno.. I just somehow feel ok, even though deep inside I feel so worthless.

Even though I feel lonely because the people I thought who'd always be there would come comforting me right now. But I guess God is the only thing we can be sure that will always be there. And that's enough for me.

Vanity Sessions at City Centre

Yay! I'm so happy, Winter Break started two days ago!

The class party was much more fun than I expected. The teachers ditched the idea of giving the exam papers on the same day. Anyways, it was a blast. My feet ached from too much dancing. The food was good. Too bad only few students came. We were like, only 16.

After that, we went over my house so that I can change my clothes. Then we took a bunch of buses to go to Bern's house so that everyone else can change. Ack, that journey took about two hours, damn, Dubai traffic.

Anyways, when we finally did arrive at City Centre, after much more traffic, the first thing we did? Pictures! Haha! Seriously, right after we got off the taxi, we asked the dude who was in charge of that area to take a picture of us. Yeah, we're that fanatic when it comes it taking pictures.

Then after that we went to this part of the mall we call DR, don't ask. And what did we do? Take pictures. I mean, lots. We spent about an hour and half there. We didn't even realized the time until Bern's digi-cam was giving signs we it was low-bat. It was so much fun. Vain, but fun. It even came to the point we were laughing so hard on the floor for no apparent reason. It was kinda embarrassing when I was posing on the floor with Czarina when this lady came in. Haha!

We were initially searching Christmas' gifts for er.. special people BUT every time we passed by a shop we couldn't resist going in. Especially at Forever21. Haha! We were only gonna 'try on a few clothes' but right after we try on clothes, we take pictures and we just couldn't help buying one. Haha!

Good thing, I pestered Ma with money the other night. Weh, but I still didn't get to buy the leggings and headband. Luckily, my psychotic friends were still sane enough to stop me. Ooh, but I found the perfect gift already! Hm, I just hope it won't be too obvious that Bern and I bought the same exact thing for both of them. =S

I was too tired the next morning. My legs were frickin' aching so much! Gah. But I didn't get to go out yesterday, just went to church for the simbang gabi.

Oh joy, joy.

OVER!! YESSS!!!

The frickin' exams are OVER.
Oh joy, joy. You have no idea how happy I am right now.

Tomorrow's the class party. No one's practically coming.

Why? Because the teachers live to torture us and so have decided to give the exams papers on that day. Like what the heck? We came to a yes, lame but nevertheless long-awaited class party and what did they decide to do just crash our mood?! Give the exam papers.

Oh yeah. Sure way to spend a party, crying over the exam papers we have tried to forget ever doing.

Ergh. Whatever.

The only reason I'm gonna come is beacause we [qkaii, kyao, bunso, pardz, sis] are going out after school. Yay! I don't exactly know where we're gonna go but I don't care. I am going out with chokiz again for the first time in months.

Oh joy, joy.

P.S.
I have a new layout! Wee! It's the first one made by myself. Gosh, it's so simple and er.. very simple but yay, I'm so proud I actually managed to made one. Hehe. Thank Goodness for Microsoft FrontPage!!

Rain in Desert

Yeah, baby that's rain in Dubai.



Well, Sharjah actually. Ha! Bet you didn't think things like these didn't happen here, right? Here, where sand is everywhere and the sun's always trying to murder you. Ha, in your face!

Need, Don't Need

What I need right now:

1. Winter/Christmas Break.
   
2. A long, warm bath.
3. Mocha frapps.
4. The Devil Wears Prada DvD.
5. Extra-cheese caramel flavored popcorn.
6. Few good books to last me a day or two.
7. Mall of Emirates scents and feelings.
8. Wacky friends and a loving boyfriend.

What I do NOT need right now:

1. Twelve chapters to study for Literature.
2. Frickin' cold air-condition refusing to be turned off.
3. Sucky cold milk chocolate.
4. Lack of junk food to fulfill my sugar-depraved self.
5. Dvds hidden by pesky dad in an attempt to encourage my siblings and I to study.
6. Useless pile of pocketbooks I've re-read for like, the millionth time.
7. Anxious feeling of, "Is my mom gonna allow me to go out...". Crap.
8. Not-getting-along friends and an ex-boyfriend.

Haynaku. It's good tomorrow's the last exam. My head's exploding from all this.. all this.. ergh, complicatedness.

Why can't a girl just have want she wants, you know?

Paramore - My Heart

I am finding out that maybe I was wrong
That I've fallen down and I can't do this alone

Stay with me, this is what I need, please?

Sing us a song and we'll sing it back to you
We could sing our own but what would it be without you?

I am nothing now and it's been so long
Since I've heard the sound, the sound of my only hope

This time I will be listening.

Sing us a song and we'll sing it back to you
We could sing our own but what would it be without you?

This heart, it beats, beats for only you
This heart, it beats, beats for only you

This heart, it beats, beats for only you
My heart is yours

This heart, it beats, beats for only you
My heart is yours
(My heart, it beats for you)

This heart, it beats, beats for only you (It beats, beats for only you)
My heart is yours (My heart is yours)

This heart, it beats, beats for only you (Please don't go now, please don't fade away)
My heart, my heart is yours (Please don't go now, please don't fade away)

(Please don't go now, please don't fade away) My heart is yours
(Please don't go now, please don't fade away) My heart is yours
(Please don't go, please don't fade away)
(Please don't go now, please don't fade away) My heart is...


I guess by now it'd be obvious to who I'm talking about huh?!

How I've Turned Boring

Well, surprise, surprise, I'm not studying. Haven't done that for weeks since the exams started.

Hm, that came out wrong. I actually haven't been studying that much for the exams lately. Thank goodness it's our Life Skills exam tomorrow. We nothing to study for that! WEE!!

Oh well, never mind. I'm bored right now. I'm not in the mood to chat with anyone right now. I WANT CHRIS though. Oops, that came out wrong.

Ack, my poems are already inspired by him, must my entries be filled with him too? If one of my friends were here, I'd probably ask them to whack my head right now. On second thought, forget it. They whack pretty hard. T_T

Oh, I walked to our house from the school today. And it was raining damn hard. You'd think living in a Middle-Eastern country would get less rain but no. Walking has never been so much like a nightmare.

I mean, it's already winter so it's frickin' cold and there are lots of mud on the way to our building being it in the middle of the desert plus it was raining. I realize I don't have to be so paranoid but hello, I just a fever and have a cold now, I really don't want to miss my exams. And-

HAHAHA. I can't believe I was just gibbering about the weather. The Weather. Geez, have I been partially possesed by boring,dull spirits?!

Yeah, I think I better stop now before I write anything more revoltingly embarrassing.

Procastinating Arabic

Dozed it off, watched John Tucker again
You are so stupid Pamela
Do you really think you can escape?

Clock ticking, three more lessons to go,
You are so stupid Pamela
Do you really think you're gonna finish?

All you friends finished, everyone's sleeping
You are so stupid Pamela
Do you really think you're that smart?

Mind flying high, scribbling away
You are so stupid Pamela
Do you really think attempting a poem would make you learn for tomorrow's Arabic exam?

HAHAHA. Lame, I know. I happen to really like it and think it's funny. I mean, it's not everyday you write a poem about how stupid you are for procrastinating to study of your Arabic exam right? Haha. I love this poem too much.

Must

A smile, instead of a scowl
A hug, instead of a yell

Support, instead of criticism
Comfort, instead of abandonment
Trust, instead of rejection

What must I do for it to be enough?
What must I do to exceed their expectations?
What must I do to be trusted?
What must I do to be accepted for who I am?

What must I do?

Yay, first successful poem in ages to be non-related to him. This poem is obviously about my parents, their expectations and what not. It's too short. Wanted to make it longer but just did this again last night too, when I was supposedly studying for my Arabic exam.

Paradox Emotions

Feeling, but resisting
Shattered, but hoping
Moving, but staying
Happy, but miserable

Contradictory, perplexing feelings
Filling the head of a supposedly-Arabic-studying girl

Done something right
Yet feeling so hurt
Blocking it with numbness, a facade
Voicing it with angst-filled laments
Is that so wrong?

Another poem inspired by who else, but him. I think it's gone way emo. Wrote it last night while supposedly studying for my Arabic exam. I think I'm immune to basic I'm-studying-at-the-middle-of-the-night-yet-I'm-writing-poems jitters.

Laments of a Broken heart

So I can't go to deviantART. The internet provider in our area blocked it. Urgh. I hate it when they do that. Anyways, I've got a new poem. Here it is:

Laments of a Broken heart

"I have to tell you something.
What is it?"

The space could be ignored,
But its emptiness won't be filled.

The truth were hidden,
But it couldn't be denied any longer.
The words seem to waver,
But they insist to be heard.
The tears are strongly held back,
But they fall, nevertheless.
The kiss longed to be deepened,
But it doesn't even continue.

"We can't be together.
I thought I could go through this, but.. I can't."

Angst engulfed my fucked-up self
Misery has an undying passion for me
Warm nights turned to cold nightmares
Fairy tales of fantasy torn apart
Romantic movies and songs, unbearable
Solitude, a dreaded reminder I'm not with him

"Why? Is it me? Have you found someone else?
No.. I just can't anymore."

Like Blue, he found the best in me,
Like Rocksteddy, he set me free,
Like Mandy Moore, he was my only hope,
Like Cueshe, I hoped he would stay,
Like Avril Lavigne, I wanted a happy ending with him
Like Natalie Imburglia, I'm torn,
Like Tamia, I'm officially missing him,
Like Parokya ni Edgar, I find myself coming back to him,
Like Callalily, I'm saying I love him once again,
Like Westlife, I think I'll be loving him forever
Damn, God help me.

"What? Whatever it is, I have faith we can overcome this."

Oh, bittersweet Love,
You meddlesome, pesky prick
Euphoric happiness, you are
You bring ecstasy to its zenith
Yet..
Your cunning tricks are horrific
Pain, you could bring, unpredictable

"Do you still love me?
Always."

The lonesome waits for you
Couples and lovers devour you
Loathe and longing you get from the wretched

"Then why can't we be together?
No.. we're just not meant to be."

You stormed a hurricane to my life
Reminiscence of the past you left
With nostalgic feelings for eons of love,
And permanent sorrow for unrequited love

"Do you know how much you're hurting me?"

Philosophers, writers, poets
Many tried, few succeeded
Yearning to experience your phenomenon

"I'm sorry.. goodbye."

My own attempt fruitless
Maybe someday, I'll try again

But for now I'm just a broken heart
With a lone lament


Note: Entirely done by me. Once again, one of my many poems inspired by him. >.< I think it's too long. But I dunno, it just.. feel right.

Still

So I heard
But I didn't look up
Tears formed behind my eyes
But I didn't cry
Desire to be lost in your arms
But I don't give in

I realize now that our "love" would have never last
I need to stop crying, put it in the past
I will never know what I did wrong
Wait, I do know, just..
I hope you know what I feel inside is true
And just so you know, I'm still in love with you


Note: Entirely done by me. I think I edited this before to much longer version. I just can't find it now. Boo.

My Worst Nightmare

Have you ever been in love?

Horrible, isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build all these defenses, this whole armor of barrier for years, so nothing can hurt you.

Then one stupid person, no different from any other person wanders into your stupid life.

And suddenly you understand why that dude build the TajMahal for his wife, why Juliet stuck a dagger to her heart, why the Trojan war started because of a run-away queen. How a thing called love could subject countless poems, books and songs. How it sway battles, and change minds, to alter history. How a thing called love could caused people to be contradictory and thickheaded and was so often the demise of great lovers and powerful men. How a thing so trivial as love, so insignificant as a look or a touch or a hug, rule thousands.

I can honestly say he was the one person I did not want to meet my whole life. He broke down my emotional walls and made me feel things I didn't want to feel yet. He could see right through the facade and masks I wear. I hated him for that.

It was scary when I realized who he was: my worst nightmare.

It's true he was my worst nightmare. But he was the kind of nightmare that makes a person wakes up. It's weird it say this, but I suppose I was sleeping my whole life.. and then he made me wake up.

And then reality sets in. Mistakes were made and things happened. Stupid, pesky crap.

Weird thing is, as much as reality sucks, I don't wanna go back to sleep.
And I'm longing for my worst nightmare.
I miss him.


God, help me.

Tainted Idyll

Reach out, and you take my heart away
Exhilirating bliss and serenity shattered
Once sheer conscience and stupid reasoning caught up
Break down, and cease all feeling
Burn now, what was once breathing

And in the mirror, a fragile wreck
Coming tears form deep within
I wish it could be still
But it was a just a 'visit'
Oh, it must be hidden

In your promises, I see a flaw tantalizing me
In the past it dwells, it stays
I'd give you my hand if you reach out and grab it
But now, memories it can only be
T'was temporary bliss, permanent sorrow

One day I hope you can forgive
As I loved you..
But goodbye came

Note: Yes, another poem inspired by him. Poo.

The Necessary Evil

So it would be practically a miracle if I passed the Physics exam I did this morning. No, correction: It was a miracle I actually knew the answer to some of the questions.

I mean, they're so.. uregh. To all the Physics 9th graders of my school, you know what I mean, right? I mean, really the find the density of the unopened olive oil!

Anyways.

The Necessary Evil will have to try harder at its attempts to engulf me because I'm so not giving in to it. Tomorrow is English Languange Exam. Ha! You can't study for that. You're either good at English or you're bad. I think.

Whatever. I'm just gonna read the dictionary today in preparation for that. That should make any English teacher happy.



P.S.'The Necessary Evil' = studying. Get it?


P.P.S. Is it becoming obvious I'm terribly addicted to 'P.S.'?

Fixation?

Once again I'm proving how much of a sloth I am. I should studying (or atleast attempting to) Physics for the BIG exam tomorrow. Yet I'm here.

But I can't help it. I have a new blog. *squeals* Again. Yeah, for the.. well, I lost count the number of blogs I made and deleted/abandoned. Yeah, I have a fixation on finding the perfect layout, making a blog, make it look perfect-esque enough for my deluded-self, scribble random ranting and/or profound moments for the first few months and abandoning/deleting it after remembering on a boring day for chatting on-line.

But I have a.. nice (Ms. Honey, my English teacher would so deduct marks right now if this was an eassay or something. She has something against the word 'nice', that women.) feeling about this blog. Okay, I say that about every new blog I make. But whatever. I really do have a nice feeling this blog-and-blogger relationship might last. Maybe months. Or years. Really.

Okay, okay I better get ass out of here (what the hell?), horrific formulas and definitions of the Physics world are awaiting to torture me.